As most of you will already know, I’m currently a university student who is married.
During the course of my various adventures I often run into other university students who’re surprised by my marital status.
Some of them believe that marriage is an outdated and sexist institution.
Some of them ask me why I’m married.
Firstly, I like this question.
There’s nothing more annoying than when someone obviously opposes your views, but won’t challenge them, so you don’t have an opportunity to argue your case.
They just kind of look at you as though you’d just pooped your pants and say “That’s nice.”
This will often happen at art school when you say you’d like to write Science Fiction graphic novels.
Furthermore, even if you’re never going to change someone else’s opinion on a matter, it does get you thinking about your own perspectives and how best to communicate them.
It doesn’t have to get personal, it’s simply a mental exercise. In fact, if you feel angry it’s probably because deep down you’re unsure of your position, and need to think on it.
Remember, the Buddhist monk doesn’t lose his shit when someone can’t comprehend him. Even in the face of great hipsterity.
So getting back, the answer that I’ve devised to “Why did you get married?” is this:
For the same reasons that we celebrate Christmas.
Some people believe that marriage is based on the outdated values of Christianity, and that anyone who gets married will immediately adopt sexism into their daily routine.
This is not true.
A wedding has nothing to do with religion because it is a social tradition, just like Christmas.
Christmas has got to be the most historically religious celebration of our culture, but does that mean that you must be Christian to celebrate it? That the only form of celebration is to sit in wooden pews and murmur to each other about how holy you are? Of course not.
This is proven a billion times over every year.
Just because the history of our culture is based in Christianity doesn’t mean that every tradition older than your Grandpa is restricted to those who still practice the religion.
People can celebrate however they want to. Most of them get together with their family and use food and alcohol to grind away social walls until they can safely admit that they love each other.
A wedding is exactly the same.
It’s about getting all your pals together and letting them know how much of a babe you find your partner to be.
Some feel that they shouldn’t have to pay money to the government to acknowledge the validity of their relationship, but again, surely Christmas is much more of a rip-off.
But who among us doesn’t enjoy buying and receiving a bunch of crap each year that we don’t really need. It’s no secret that this consumer frenzy buoys the entire economy, but even the most cynical of new-wave hipster is unlikely to scoff at the chance to get both pissed and a new scarf.
A wedding ceremony does generally tend to include a bunch of vows and passages from the Christian persuasion, but again, so does Christmas.
I’ve been known to sing along to a ‘Hark the Herald Angel Sing’, but what I don’t do is stand on the table and shout
“Hey everyone, I think I can hear one of God’s messenger bird/humans telling me something!”
Why is this? Because some time in the intervening centuries, those words, just like the celebrations themselves, have been reappropriated as a social tradition.
So that’s a bunch of explaining and if you need more you can probably figure it out yourself, it’s not that difficult.
Which brings me to the other issue of marriage.
It turns out that homosexuals want to be included in the human race all of a sudden.
Now we all know there’s plenty of evidence that if gay people were allowed to marry there’d be planes falling out of the sky, computers shooting children and rivers exploding.
Why? Well, because marriage is obviously owned by Christianity, and seeing as there’s new evidence that weddings are a lot like Christmas, I propose we don’t allow gay people to celebrate that either.
They can participate in Civil Seasons Celebrations if they must, but certainly not in the presence of the intelligent and attractive class of people we know as heterosexuals.
But seriously, what the fuck?